The Online Newsletter of the Three Rivers Intergroup
October 2000
This past December I decided to do a fourth step as part of my yearly housecleaning process. It was highly recommended to me by my sponsor.
I believe he could see that I had a lot of resentments and that I didn't know how to process them. He suggested using the Big Book as my format. I had never used it before so, that made it a little tougher. I like doing things in familiar ways.
I received so many blessings out of doing this step this time and in this way. One way that I was blessed was in learning to sit down and find out exactly what my part was or is in a situation. I never did that before. This is still so hard for me and I am not confident every time I look for my part; but, I think my HP blesses the effort to look and my willingness to improve. Besides on my 5th step if I couldn't see it my sponsor was more than happy to point it out to me. LOL
Something very valuable surfaced during this latest fourth step. I learned that I spend a great deal of time being angry at people, places and things. I had no idea! This anger is one of the poisons that sends me to the brink of overeating. It is also the same poison that sets my nerves on edge. It makes me sick (physically, emotionally and spiritually) and my life becomes unhappy and more unproductive with each addition of anger to my life.
Last week I spent a good deal of my time being angry at my significant other and my daughter. I felt each had hurt me. And, of course, the hurt--being that I am a spiritual infant--was MONUMENTAL. By the end of two days my leg was in such pain, the muscles felt frozen. I realized that it was going to take a fourth step action and some conversation with my sponsors to relieve me and get me back on course. I finally felt better after discussing it and writing about it in a fourth step and in my journal.
You see, I had allowed myself to slip into a very comfortable role--the role of the victim. Everyone is after me, on my back and of course not understanding me. I also believe that everything is my fault when I get into this mode. I become self-serving. This is a place I need to stay away from. When I start to feel sorry for myself, I begin to shut down emotionally and suppress feelings. In turn, that brings on the temptation to eat compulsively.
The other thing that I learned was that there are prayers within the fourth step that I can use to help me grow. The first prayer is in the Big Book on page 67. "When a person has offended us we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." This prayer helps me to be able to let go of the wrongs that I think people are committing. Not everyone I know is sick; but there are a few people that I am involved with that I must say this in order to keep a sane perspective. These people need my prayer, not my anger or my retaliation. Those things only hurt me.
The next prayer is on page 69. "...mold our ideals and help us to live up to them." At first I didn't think that applied to me. However, on closer look it does. Are my motives selfish around any subject? Many times they are. I want my way and my way has gotten me in trouble many times. I can ask my HP to mold ideals within me that I can be proud of.
The last prayer is found on page 70. "We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity and the strength to do the right thing." This area allows me to get in touch with the new vision I have set for myself. I feel that I shouldn't wait for my HP to send the right ideal, but to establish it and work toward it with the understanding that if it is not what my HP desires for me he will make changes in time. Also the strength to do the right thing; that is tough. It is so much easier for me to continue doing what I have been doing as I spoke of in the third step. It is easier to fail than to be successful for me sometimes.
Upon completing my 4th and 5 th steps in December I realized that my efforts while they were good enough at the time were not enough to sustain me in my program now. So, with pen in hand I set out to take up where I had left off and do a more thoroughly housekeeping. That again was a true blessing. With some time of abstinence under my belt, I became willing to let the feelings within me surface and deal with them as they came up. I came to realize that my soul felt as though it had a huge hole in it and it was being filled by the grace of my HP, OA and the generous guidance of my sponsor for the first time in my life.
If you haven't had the opportunity to do a 4th step from the Big Book, I highly recommend it. It will change the way you live for the rest of your life. If you're worried about taking the 5th step take heart--do the 4th and figure you might get hit by a bus before you have to take the 5th. If not--you will digest a lot of truth about yourself and you will come to see that the blessings out weigh the leveling of your pride.
In closing I believe that I learned a lot about myself during all of my 4th steps. I learned to take responsibility for my part and to trust another human being to know all about me. The Steps are the only way that I will gain lasting recovery.
-C.I., Dayton, OH (The Sanctuary)
GEE! What a wonderful concept. When I wrote my 4th Step and then prepared myself to give it away the first time, I was a little bit apprehensive. I was sure that my tales where the worst that anyone had ever heard! That's my ego working overtime. My ego does that as I've come to learn in this program. However, when I allow my mind to get very still, sometimes Ill hear the word self, self. And, of course it was one of the first things I put on my list of character defects. (egotism)
As I let my list unfold with a trusted OA friend in a 5th step, I began to feel relief--a burden was lifted. Someone finally knew all about me to the level I was willing to share and they accepted me! With all of my flaws and defects they saw value in me. Imagine that!
I learned a valuable lesson on that day. A trouble shared is a trouble cut in half. Many of the resentments on my first inventory were things I had never shared with another human-being--and I ate over them. They seemed much smaller now that someone knew them and accepted them as my truth and my story.
Since that time, I've done another 4th and 5th step and it was easier to give it to my sponsor. I had trust in God, the process, and him. Now I value that statement, "A trouble shared is a trouble cut in half."
When I need to talk about a resentment or a problem, I call my sponsor. And, of course, it is usually cut in half. Sometimes it disappears--we see some humor in it and I can then get out of my serious self.
When I risk sharing a problem with my sponsor or another trusted COE, I find that one of my reasons for practicing my addictions disappear.For me my sobriety depends on these two steps taken yearly.
-C.I., Dayton, OH (The Sanctuary)
Eating compulsively is a lonely disease: a disease of isolation and deception; of trying to cover up binges and negative behaviour. After spending so much time running away from myself; it's no wonder I felt as though I didn't belong. Why was I afraid to be my authentic self? Because you may not like who I am, and it's all I have.
Taking inventory in Step 4 meant coming face to face with myself. Any progress I make has to begin with what I am today; to begin with accepting my humanness: that I am not perfect; that all people make mistakes. It is difficult to fully accept myself until I put my thought and feelings on paper and share my self-discovery with another human being. I become freed from the game of trying to fool myself and others.
By sharing my journey of self-discovery with someone else in Step 5, I am rejoining the human race. It is a way of coming out of isolation. Step 5 helps to satisfy the hunger for connectedness with another human being.
Learning to be my authentic self helps me improve all my relationships and then I can continue to find in relationships the kind of emotional nourishment my heart has been hungering for. This marks a turning point in life.
It was comforting to know that in doing Step 5, any other human being can be chosen; it didn't necessarily have to be someone in program. It was important, however, that the person would respect anonymity and accept me just as I was. Being accepted as I am gives me a new sense of belonging.
It can be frightening and difficult to risk trusting somebody but it's better than continuing down the path of emotional isolationism which only leads to solitary self-destruction.
-JT, Canada
I started OA 6 months ago. I was distraught, depressed & unhappy with life, I worked steps 1,2 and 3 compulsively till I knew I had it right. Procrastinating on step 4. With the help of my sponsor I began, I was scared, I have stuffed my feelings down with food since childhood. Dealing with the demons of my past seemed more then I thought I could ever bare. I started feeling my feelings which opened up old wounds my abstinence was getting shaky and my emotions had raw jagged edges. I wanted to stop I didn't like the feelings I was getting by working this step.
My sponsor gently encouraged me to continue he told me "to trust enough to help myself heal". I kept working step 4 & 5 giving it to my sponsor as I went.
Finally..... I could see, that I have self worth and that I am important and God wants me to love myself just as I am. I began to understand why I stuffed my feeling so long and felt inadequate, that was a big relief, for me just to understand myself. Now I can be forgiving of myself and others, understand my charter defects, let go of my resentments and move forward. I can stand on my own be happy with myself and love others. I now focus on the positives in my life and what matters most.
I still have a long road ahead but I know I'm following the right path, I now have hope. My abstinence is strong, I am more confident and I am 30 pounds lighter. I'm looking forward to the rest of my journey, one step at a time.
-C.M., Goshen, Indiana
Many OAs talk about the sense of freedom and release they had from taking step five. It was different for me though. For me just doing step four really set me free. You see, I had been burying feelings a long time. I was never comfortable with strong feelings and usually felt I was doing something wrong if I felt them. For years I kept pushing them down, refusing to look at them. Then I came to step four. I didn’t want to do it. I knew my life was already better than it ever had been before OA. I didn’t want to give that up either. I wanted more!
I started working on my first step four and was greatly surprised. I started looking at all those “situations” I felt bad about. When I felt embarrassed or uncomfortable about a situation, I had assumed that something was wrong with me or that I had done something wrong. Looking honestly at many of those situations I realized that I had not done anything wrong. I had been unprepared to handle the situations or the feelings but I hadn’t harmed anyone.
Suddenly I realized that I had been holding on to all those old guilty feelings for no reason at all. It was like a load of rocks fell off my shoulders. I didn’t have to carry that baggage around anymore! Doing the rest of my step four was almost easy. I felt so light, so grateful.
I went on to do my first step five with my sponsor. He was very accepting. He didn’t go running and screaming from the room after I had finished. Since he was a very neat person I started to think, “Hey, he accepted me! Maybe I’m a neat person, too!”
To all you OAs out there who are dreading your step four, please stop! Step four was a blessing for me and it can be for you, too. Remember, the monsters in the dark closet aren’t nearly so big or scary when we turn on the lights and we are with friends.
-K.G., Goshen, Indiana
At my Monday night meeting this week, we read and discussed Step Five. We read about the freedom and relief taking this Step can offer. In the six years I’ve been in OA, I have always felt that freedom and relief after sharing my inventories with my sponsor. But my most recent experience with Step Five has left me with other feelings as well.
My childhood was extremely unpleasant, and I have spent 20 years condemning my mother for her neglect and rejection of me. She was my “monster mother.” Our relationship was never great, never even good, even after years in recovery. Two years ago, I allowed all contact with my mother and all other family members to dwindle then drop altogether. This seemed the only solution. I saw, though, that an occasional card or message on my answering machine from my mother continued to throw me into an irrational, emotional confusion. I knew I had more work to do.
I have been through highs in my OA recovery, as well as back from a relapse. I am currently sponsoring two wonderful women, and I have many close friends in OA. All my experience has encouraged me to forge ahead, to tackle my worst fears. So, armed with determination and my Higher Power, I wrote about my feelings towards my mother again. I was willing to push on, through all the pain and confusion, and get to the truth, whatever it was. Now I can see that it was best not to know what I would uncover.
The truth, I discovered to my horror, was that I’d behaved towards my own children in the same ways for which I’d been condemning my mother all these years. I could barely allow this truth to register in my own mind. It was as though one part of me operated out of the belief, “My mother is a monster, and I hate her for it.” This other part of me knew that I’d been neglecting and rejecting my own children. But the idea of my mother as a monster had been screaming so loudly for so long, it had drowned out awareness of my own behavior. It seemed that all the time I’d spent at meetings, writing and talking on the phone had worn down the wall of separation, so these two ideas could meet.
I had rationalized my actions towards my own children in a previous inventory, making myself sound concerned for their welfare when I had selfishly put my desires and needs ahead of theirs. I’d become a “monster mother” in my own right. I was appalled at what I’d done.
I couldn’t live alone with this knowledge, and shared it was a loving OA friend in desperation. For two hours she listened patiently as I unraveled this store, and continuously assured me that I was still an okay person. Although I felt the freedom of sharing a “secret” about myself with another person, I am still overwhelmed at the power of my denial. I need to forgive my mother and myself for so much. I started the process of self-forgiveness by making amends to my two children, who immediately forgave me.
I know that years of blaming my mother for her selfishness will not disappear overnight, but I have hope now. I truly understand that she did the best she could. I used to believe that was a cop-out, but since I know that I did the best I could, I now realize its truth. Based on our experiences, our circumstances and our needs, my mother and I both did the best we could. With hindsight, perhaps we both could have made different choices, but the past is gone.
I don’t know what outcome this inventory experience will bring. I’m not going to rush out and begin a new relationship with my mother; I still dislike her as a person. But understanding and compassion are slowly replacing my hate for her. The least I can do is to begin to put an end to my verbal abuse of her character when I’m speaking about her to someone else. I find myself questioning all my hardened beliefs about her, including the cherished idea that she never wanted me from the day of my birth. Now, I wonder if it’s possible, just possible, that I’ve been wrong. Maybe it wasn’t me personally she did not welcome, but another in a long line of children she felt unable to nurture.
There were many days when I could not remember why abstinence was important, but I’ve seen through this ordeal that, without it, I would never have discovered this truth. As painful as this experience has been, and continues to be, I have hope: hope that I will be more compassionate, humble and spiritual as a result of this. That hope and my abstinence fill me with a wonderful sense of gratitude.
My mother is not a monster, and neither am I.
-V.W., Boise, Idaho (Lifeline, May 1996)
Back by popular demand, here are more typos and misprints submitted by OAs over the years:
(Lifeline, July 1989)