The Online Newsletter of the Three Rivers Intergroup
December 2000
As this time of year rolls around I start thinking about the holidays. My holiday experiences were quite different in and out of OA. I remember a Thanksgiving in 1983. I was living with 7 other college seniors and we were not going home for Thanksgiving. We decided to make our own Thanksgiving. Somehow I ended up managing much of the event and spent most of the day preparing the usual Thanksgiving foods. When the supper hour came I was hungry, lonely, tired and a bit angry. Needless to say I could not get enough food. I was trying to fill that void I didn't quite understand and nothing I stuffed in my mouth seemed to do the trick. Finally, after dessert I went and laid down in the library while the others chatted over the supper table. I thought that maybe if I laid there quietly enough I would not have to throw up my Thanksgiving supper. I was stuffed, miserable and in pain but it wasn't the last holiday I tried to eat my way through.
I remember a Thanksgiving in 1989. It was my first Thanksgiving in OA. I remember being very nervous about it. I talked it out with my sponsor. It seemed that the best thing for me to do was to take only one helping of everything and limit it to one plate. I went to my Thanksgiving dinner and followed the plan we had worked out. After the meal I didn't feel deprived but I didn't feel miserably stuffed either. We stayed around for the afternoon, chatted and learned how to play Mahjong, a Chinese tile game. I had a wonderful afternoon. I didn't feel sedated by overeating. It was the first in a string of holiday celebrations that I could really be thankful for.
Now when I go to a holiday celebration I'm thinking of the people I will see, the conversations we will have and the things we will do. Food no longer crowds everything else out of my mind. Thanks OA and HP for giving me the ability to really celebrate and enjoy the holidays.
-K.G., Goshen, Indiana
Hello Friends,
My name is Mary and I am a CO. I have been in this program since Sept 1989, and once again the holidays will be abstinent for me, thank you HP. I am so grateful to be where I am in my life today. I enjoy life, myself, and my friends. Was I always like that? No way!! I tried to fool myself with food first, than anything else that would dull the reality of being an unhappy, rage-filled person. What changed me? Overeaters Anonymous.
When I came to my first meeting, my miracle happened. I soon felt that I had a purpose in life and it wasn't eating myself to death. I didn't know what you had but I knew I wanted it. I kept coming back. I set up the literature table, I put the literature away. I did whatever was asked. Why? Because each of you treated me with kindness and you talk to me. You did not talk down to me or make excuses about how you felt. Honesty, what a concept. I noticed that the people that stayed busy in the program, seemed to have an easier time with there recovery. Not that they didn't have any problems, they dealt with them differently. They talked about the problems with others, and seemed to accept them. Acceptance, what a concept. So I stay around to see if it would work for me. It did, but I have to close for now so I will write more next month. Remember one day at a time, and just for today I can do it.
Love you all, in loving service
Mary A., Indiana
Every day is a spiritual day in OA, and no day is a vacation. Each day I must maintain a "fit spiritual condition" and "improve my conscious contact with God." On no day can I take a vacation from abstinence or the Steps. Special eating has no place in my program, just as alcohol has no place in sobriety.
Holidays and vacations are times when I must be diligent with the abstinence I've maintained for 18 years and eat the same as I would any other time. I neither feast nor fast for celebrations. I maintain abstinence and thank God for my new life of "sane and happy usefulness."
- Anonymous, Plumtree, Zimbabwe (Lifeline, December 1999)
Because the holiday season presents me with many challenges around food, I decided to focus on something else instead. Each day this month, I will write down and concentrate on one thing for which I am thankful; then I will share it aloud with another person and thank God for it. I try to think about my gratitude often throughout the day, especially when I'm around food or fixing it. It helps me concentrate on what I have instead of what I cannot have. At the end of the month, I'll have 30 reasons to be thankful! What a bountiful harvest!
I am looking forward to a happy, sane and abstinent holiday season, and I wish the same for all my OA friends.
- J.H., edited and reprinted from Utah Soaring newsletter, Northern Utah Intergroup, November 1998
The holiday season is the worst time of the year for me. My saddest childhood memories took place during this season. While I dreamed of having the ideal family holiday, as described in books and shown on TV, my own family holidays meant extreme stress, raging anger, overwhelming resentment and bitter disappointment.
Consequently, I usually gained between 10 and 20 pounds from October to January; but I wouldn't start the "New Year's resolution diet" until well after Valentine's Day or even into spring. Back then, eating was the only way I knew to soothe my emotional pain.
Fortunately, for the last eight holiday seasons, I have had the tools of OA to heal the wounds of the past. I remember my first year in OA waking up on New Year's Day and realizing that the jeans I wore last fall still fit. Now that I was working the Steps, I didn't need New Year's resolutions. These gifts were better than anything I could have received for the holidays and more beautiful than any holiday celebration.
If you, too, have less than fond holiday memories, know that you're not alone. Know also that God has given us the gifts of the Twelve Steps and the tools of OA to get over the pain. We can enjoy these perfect gifts all year long for many years to come. Happy holidays, everyone!
- Edited and reprinted from SGVIE Briefs newsletter, San Gabriel Valley Intergroup, November/December 1998
Last year before Thanksgiving, our small meeting devoted time for each of us to offer our plans for coping with the holiday. The plans could be as specific as the speaker wanted them to be, and they could include coping with any activities the members saw as important to working their programs physically, emotionally and spiritually.
People found this simple step so useful that they decided to continue it throughout the holidays. Each person in turn reviewed his or her coming week and identified potential pitfalls, then spoke of a plan for coping.
Some plans included:
Even when plans had to change, the act of sharing ideas - brainstorming about problems and solutions in detail, one week at a time - helped people consider what was ahead, be responsible for taking care of themselves and commit in public to having and making choices. The act of public commitment helped. In sharing at the next meeting about how the week went, support was offered anew - no matter what happened - so in all cases self-love continued during the holidays.
- Anonymous, (Lifeline, November 1999)
I love the holidays! It's a wonderful time of the year. As a compulsive overeater, I also associate the holidays with good food and plenty of it.
This year will be my third abstinent holiday. If I plan ahead, I can enjoy some good, abstinent food and not feel deprived during the holidays. If I am serving dinner at my house, I make sure that there are plenty of delicious vegetables and fruits, as well as a nice cut of meat. If well-meaning friends give me goodies, I thank them graciously and serve it to family and friends. I am making use of their gift without eating any of it.
On page 69 in OA'sTwelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, paragraph two says, "Many of us have found that our own name belongs somewhere near the top of our Eighth Step list. Yes, we harmed other people, but we have also damaged ourselves with our self-destructive thinking, eating and living habits. We have learned that a complete willingness to make amends to ourselves and to forgive ourselves for past mistakes has been essential to our recovery."
This year, by eating a healthy, delightful, abstinent holiday dinner, I'm going to make amends to myself for all of the years I "pigged out" during the holidays.
- B., Baker City, Oregon USA (Lifeline, December 1998)
I have struggled with holiday food traditions. After several years of annual winter mini-relapses, with accompanying weight gains, 10 years ago I let go of family holiday food traditions. It was hard to do. I had to detach from extended-family gatherings. Some family members expressed hostility during gatherings because of my food choices, suggesting that I was mentally ill and immature about my food, faith and lifestyle choices. They pressured me to eat foods that I choose not to eat. (My food plan is not rigid or eccentric.) The final insult to them was for me to maintain a normal weight for several years. Obesity and weight gains and losses identified my family. I felt out of place with them - physically, emotionally and spiritually. I love them, and I miss them. I wish them well, and I wish them recovery, but I do not miss the disease they carry.
How do I adapt my new way of life to include holidays? To gain strength and maintain abstinence, serenity and sanity during holidays, I attend more OA meetings. OA really is my family. There is always a chair for me at any gathering. OA respects my program and lifestyle choices. I can and do give service. People offer me support, and loving confrontation. I don't always get my way when group decisions are made, but I am allowed to state my opinion. What is best for the group usually prevails. This is better than family.
My holiday meals have special (but abstinent) foods, in normal portions. I buy some traditional holiday goodies for my husband, and we both know they are for him only. Sometimes he takes them to the office, so I don't have to see them. Some food items I strip of the sugars and other problem substances and use substitutes to turn out a similar product.
Alongside the joy, sharing and celebration of a holiday, there may be poignant feelings of emptiness, disappointment, anger or pain. Last year, I had many losses with much growth. I experienced the pride and sense of well-being that comes from making wise decisions about relationships and lifestyles; but these same decisions also distanced my family and my spouse. I grieved and wept. I was afraid and angry. I ached and longed. My Higher Power was with me, guiding me through it all. I wanted to "fix it" for my family, as I had tried to do for so many years. The reality is that I can only work on me. I nearly died before I found recovery. I could not deny my knowledge and experience of recovery to "keep the family together."
I started a tradition of holidays celebrated in recovery. I found that it is not necessary to indulge in food to have a magnificent holiday season. For me, a good holiday, any time of the year, starts with acceptance of my disease, gratitude for OA and willingness to work my program of recovery.
- M.P.S., Millersburg, Indiana USA (Lifeline, December 1998)
[The following ideas are OA members' suggestions for getting through holidays abstinently.]
1. Focus on the true meaning of the holiday or event rather than the food orgy that sometimes accompanies it.
2. Don't set yourself up to feel bad because of unrealistic expectations of what the holiday will bring. Sometimes we're with family, sometimes with friends, sometimes we are alone. Face the reality of the situation beforehand. For example, if a family occasion almost always turns unpleasant, plan not to be part of the unpleasantness. If you're going to be alone, face that you may face sadness. Plan to deal with it, without excess food.
3. Build up your recovery bank account before and during the holidays by attending lots of meetings, working extra hard on your Twelve Steps and using all the tools, especially service. Keep in constant contact with your sponsor. The disease doesn't take holidays, nor should our recovery.
4. Keep your OA phone numbers with you at all times. Use them.
5. Know the limits of your recovery. When in doubt, avoid persons, places and things that have in the past triggered overeating. The party is not worth it. Choose not to attend if you feel it may be a major problem. Remember that abstinence, one day at a time, has to be the highest priority in your life. Without it, all other things suffer.
6. From the perspective of food, treat the holiday like any other day. Our disease never takes a holiday.
7. Plan something special for yourself when other people are eating sugary desserts that you choose not to include in your food plan. Special teas, hot water and lemon, fruit, anything that's a little special for you.
8. Whether a holiday gathering or ordinary party, choose to focus on the people rather than the food. Pick out people and engage them in "real" conversation. If they don't want to play, go to the next one. People like to talk about themselves. Ask them about themselves, their life, their work, and really listen.
9. Try to connect with people at the holiday table. Make food a secondary thing.
10. At Halloween, there is no law that says you have to give out candy. We're not doing these kids a favor by giving them junk food. Give nutritious things or money. Do not give out things you would not consume yourself. Then there's no problem with leftovers.
11. Set an extra place beside you at the table (in your mind or for real) for your Higher Power.
12. Remember Step Two. It says that with the help of a Higher Power, we can be restored to sane eating behavior. Call on your Higher Power. HP can keep you sane, one day at a time, one meal at a time.
13. During the holidays, get out of yourself by giving service, any service, whether it's to program, to needy individuals or to the community. Do something that may be a little hard for you, but that you know you will feel good about later. Give yourself something to respect yourself for.
14. Plan! Plan! Plan! Be proactive toward the holidays and the meals. Don't just lay back and hope for the best. Rehearse in your mind over and over exactly what you will do, particularly what, where and when you will eat. Pray just before sitting down to the meal.
15. Just before sitting down to eat, or just before being served, go to a private room somewhere in the house or restaurant, call your sponsor and commit what you are about to eat, as well as what you will choose not to eat. It makes no difference whether you get your sponsor on an answering machine. It's your commitment.
16. If you're visiting others for a holiday dinner, it's up to you to know what is being served and whether it is something that you choose to eat. Call the host. Plan accordingly. People understand others' food limitations. Even people without our disease have foods they don't eat for one reason or another. Volunteer to bring something that's good for you. The host thinks you're gracious, and you're taking care of yourself.
17. Remember that you are responsible for what you eat. It's easy when sitting with family to slip into old, childish roles where you feel you must eat whatever you are given. It's not true. We are adults and responsible for our own choices. It's up to us to take care of ourselves. It's up to us to set whatever boundaries we need to set with our families.
18. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. There is nothing as good for staying abstinent, particularly during the holiday season, as focusing on the many things we have, rather than what we don't have. Do gratitude lists frequently.
19. How about writing a little card/note to each person who will be at the holiday dinner table telling them why you're grateful to know them? Leave it at their dinner place. The focus will quickly get to the real meaning of the holiday rather than on the food.
20. For many of us, the most dangerous period for our abstinence is after we have successfully gone through a difficult occasion. The insanity of our disease subconsciously tells us to reward ourselves with food because we did so well yesterday. Or, we suffer some kind of letdown about the occasion. It didn't meet our expectations. Some of us feel an emptiness after holidays that in the past we have tried to fill with food. For these reasons, plan to go to meetings the next day after the holiday.
21. A holiday is not a crisis. Holidays come every year. They are simply calendar times set aside to honor certain things. We deal with the holidays just like we deal with the rest of the days in the year. You can do it. Relax and work your program the way you know how.
- Reprinted from an OA workshop in Port Chester, New York USA
With so much of the focus of Thanksgiving on the MEAL, try this instead to help you put the focus on where it SHOULD be!!!
Write the word 'THANKSGIVING" in a column down the left side of a piece of paper.
For each letter, (beginning with "T"), write a word or phrase that reflects something you are grateful for in terms of what OA has down for your life. By the time you reach the last "G", you'll have 12 things to think about before giving in to that temptation to eat!!!
And remember, the first Thanksgiving was no doubt a meal that contained mostly abstinent foods.....and the main reason for coming together was for fellowship and giving thanks!!! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day!!!
-Reprinted from the Paths of Recovery, Penn-Jersey Intergroup
As I experience one year of recovery in OA, I am in awe of the new life I have found. Being over weight since I was eleven years old, at age forty-five, I weighed 352 lbs. I had given up hope. With the grace of God and the 12 Steps, I now weigh 236 lbs. My life is not perfect, but one day at a time I am growing spiritually, learning how to deal with life's problems and not turning to food as an answer. I feel certain I will reach my goal weight, but I do not dwell on that but rather on God's will for me for the next 24 hrs. I have found that Gods will has never been for me to punish my body by compulsively overeating. This is not a unique story but a true one. I believe anyone can have this gift of love if they reach out for it.
-Sam R., League City, Texas (Steps, Houston Metro Intergroup of OA)
Holidays used to mean celebrating with food and lots of it! I know there were other aspects to the holidays; but the amount of sugar I ate interfered with enjoying those other aspects. I enjoyed the time with my family, since we sat around and ate. I was glad to see friends as long as I could get to the food, too. I felt drugged after so many special celebrations, because I had so much food in me.
Now I try to focus on the meaning behind the holidays. Why are we celebrating? How can I be present to the people who are part of the celebration? As far as food is concerned, the holidays are just like any other day. What do I need to do today to stay with my food plan and abstinence? Because there is so much access to special foods and so many people around me overeat at these times, I do have to take extra efforts to stay with my recovery. I am very careful about writing down my food choices for the special dinners. That means I need to find out ahead of time what is being served. If I am contributing something to the meal, I make something special that fits my food plan.
I believe in padding these special events with recovery tools. What do I need to do before, during and after the celebration? I may need to pray, journal, talk with my sponsor and a few other OA people before I leave my house. During the gathering, I watch to see if I start obsessing about food items not on my food plan for the day. I may need to pray the serenity prayer 150 times, go make an OA outreach call, check in with my sponsor, go outside and breathe, talk with someone who understands. When everything is over, I have found that can also be a vulnerable time. I start to let my guard down, thinking I made it through the hard part. I try to be conscious when I go home not to take the first bite and do what I need to do if I feel shaky. More outreach calls help me after the event. The bottom line for me is that I refuse to take the first compulsive bite no matter what happens, no matter how I feel, no matter WHAT!!!! The first bite is connected to binging for me. I have learned it is much easier to avoid the first bite than to get myself back out of relapse.
I need my Higher Power to do any of this, even to be aware of what I need to do. God is ready and willing to help me be ready, willing and to ask for help. The help is there for dealing with food; the help is also there for dealing with life without excess food. I KNOW my God has helped me many, many, many days with eating only the food on my food plan. I am grateful and I can trust that this same God will help me with the day to day living and with special holiday gatherings. Today let's choose recovery, asking for help, gratitude. It IS worth it!!
M.M., Gary, Indiana