The Online Newsletter of the Three Rivers Intergroup
March 2001
I had felt so dead, so hopeless for so many years. I was just existing from one day to the next, just passing time. I had lost hope that anything could ever change. Then I went to my first OA meeting and a miracle happened. Through the cold, dead earth of my life pushed up one small green shoot of hope and then another. Here were people just like me who were now recovering from compulsive overeating. Their lives were alive and growing, blooming and happy, producing all kinds of wonderful things. These people weren't any different from me. If they could come alive maybe I could, too!
As I worked the program I learned that I had to start letting go of my old, safe, comfortable behaviors and ways of thinking. In order to grow I had to start taking risks again. I had to start risking rejection, honesty and love. I had to start risking the pain of life and growth. It isn't easy for that first green shoot to push through the cold ground. It takes a lot of energy and work for a flower to form buds and bloom. It was no different for me but as I watched the miracle of my growth, of my blooming, I knew that it was well worth the effort.
Today my life is more beautiful than I could have imagined when I started OA over eleven years ago. There are dozens of opportunities blooming. The seasons ebb and flow but I know that winter is there for me to rest and reflect before a time of renewed growth. I know now that springtime will come again!
-K.G., Goshen, Indiana
As I sit here in a writing meeting on a beautiful sunny February day, I am at peace. I am abstinent. (I think there is some relationship there!) My calmness is coming from within, for these days I'm beginning to understand so much more. My journey through my compulsive overeating has been like the changing of the seasons in some ways.
I came into OA 7 years ago - in the autumn of my disease. I knew I had an overeating problem, but I wanted to fix everybody else! Unfortunately, because I was not hearing some good advice about taking care of myself, working the steps, and getting abstinent, my disease continued to progress even while in OA. But I kept coming back. Little by little more truths were revealed to me. And in looking back, HP knew I was only ready to hear a little truth at a time. I had a lot of past hurts and ungrieved losses to get closure on and let go. I reached a high weight of 235 pounds. That was the winter of my disease.
Through much love and support of my OA friends, grief and marriage work with a counselor, and work on letting go of other people and their decisions, I feel that I'm walking over the bridge to the healthy side, the spring of my recovery.
I pray often throughout the day. Many times it's just a prayer of thanks and praise for the grace that's been given me. I am so appreciative that I have been allowed to follow this path and have realized how lucky and blessed I am. It humbles me.
Yes, I'm still working the steps, I have a sponsor and I'm still letting go of character defects. I will never be perfect. I will never have it all together. But if I listen to HP's will for me and let go of my own immature self-will I will be going the right direction.
I have stumbled with my food choices often enough to know I never have it made. I take one day at a time. But just like I feel new energy pulsing through me when I see a sunny day or crocuses pushing through the snow, abstinence gives me this energy boast, too. That is so much better than the dead, guilty, remorseful feelings of the winter of my disease.
I must always remember the hope of this program. What possibilities that are beyond my imagination lie ahead for me? Only HP knows, and I am willing to follow his lead.
-D.P., Goshen, Indiana
I don't remember my father speaking. He had a cerebral hemorrhage when I was two. He was never able to speak again or to really have much of a relationship with me. He died when I was fourteen. I felt cheated by him, by life, by God. I never had the "normal" life that my peers around me seemed to have. My memories about my father were always filled with feelings of fear, loss, anger and guilt.
Many years later I joined OA and realized I was a compulsive overeater. One of my first OA literature favorites was the "For Today" book of meditations. My favorite reading is for April 1st. You know, the one that quotes the OA saying, "What other people think of me is none of my business." The first time I read it I thought it was a misprint! I had always lived my life so concerned about what everyone else thought about me and about what I did. I was a prisoner to other people's thoughts about me. Often I turned to compulsive overeating to deaden the feelings of being trapped and out of control. The April 1st reading was the first step for me in learning a new way to live, in turning away from the behaviors that lead me to compulsive overeating.
It was a special gift that the reading was April 1st. That was my father's birthday. After so many years of confused, painful feelings about our relationship it felt like this was a gift from him to me. I know his life didn't turn out the way he would have chosen. I know that he would have liked to be a father to me. So I like to think of that reading as a gift from my father to his son, to help me live the life HP intended for me. Thanks Daddy and thanks HP.
-K.G., Goshen, Indiana
The word "honesty" has been popping out at me lately in all the OA literature. I had been on a plateau in my recovery lately and had prayed to HP to show me what to work on next. Boy, did I get an answer fast!
I've thought of myself as a person of high integrity, especially that last few years in OA. What could I still have to work on with the honesty issue? I felt I was honest with my spouse, my coworkers, my friends, but am I being totally honest with myself?
I'm finding out that I've still been hiding out behind illusions. I've been justifying and rationalizing my unwillingness. I was having trouble finding the "right" sponsor. Fear was underneath it all. Would I be willing to do what the sponsor suggested? What if I failed again at staying abstinent?
I got honest with myself and accepted that I needed a sponsor. I couldn't rely on my own encouragement and decision making when it came to certain issues. I needed feedback. I needed someone like me, not someone I put on a pedestal. This helped me overcome my fear. With a lot of prayer I took a risk and now I have a great sponsor.
What else have I had to be honest about? There are certain foods I know in my heart are not the best choices for me, but I am still clinging to them. Fear is underneath that, too. What will I do to fill the void if I do not have the comfort of that food? I am trying to put honesty into practice here, too.
I know that food will not make my hurt or discomfort go away, it just temporarily covers it up. So when feeling tempted to overeat these comfort foods, I first pray for willingness to be helped by HP. Then I try to just sit with the feelings I feel.
This works for me! It's not always comfortable and I sometimes have trouble at first identifying what the emotion I'm experiencing is, but when I do I can feel it and let it go.
Sometimes the feelings are intense. I have to journal or talk about them before they subside. But what a relief to know that overeating to cover them up is not my only choice.
Getting deeply in touch with my underlying fears of rejection and not being good enough have helped me to honestly look at my character defects of pride and ego. My ego can rationalize any situation to protect itself from being hurt. But uncovering those fears through honesty and prayer are helping me break through to new levels of recovery. Thanks you God for the Steps, the Big Book and for repeating "honesty" until I got it!
-D.P., Goshen, Indiana
In OA I've learned that I have a disease that affects how I relate to food. I don't behave around food like normal people. When I pick up certain "trigger" foods, an obsession is triggered within me that cause me to want more. It cam be more of that food or more of yet another food, but I obsess about wanting and obtaining more food. After I've obtained and eaten more food, I continue to want and eat more. Sometimes the only thing that can stop me is bedtime and retiring for the night.
In OA I've learned how to treat my disease and keep it in remission. I've learned that although my disease can't be cured, it can be controlled. I need only to accept that there are certain "trigger" foods that start the obsession - the craving for more. All I must do is stay way from those particular foods and keep to three meals a day with nothing in between.
In OA I've learned that I don't have to and am not expect to manage my disease on my own. I can use a sponsor to make my daily food commitment to and to work through the steps with me. I have an HP to reach out to at all times throughout the day.
In OA I've learned that if I follow a few simple steps and use the tools, I can live a serene and happy life and be free of obsessing over food and my weight.
-M.H., Goshen, Indiana
I know there are many things that I could list off at once, but there are some fundamentals that I feel have change me the most. First of all, I am a finite being, meaning I can only do so much. I attempted to manage my life's problems through some kind of strict regime of diet and exercise.
I've learned that my world of obsession and misery can change if I will surrender my will and become willing to follow this program.
I've learned that I cannot control my rate of recovery. If I live on day at a time, more hope comes as I realize I can make small changes that over time will alter the course of my life. Through this program I have seen and experienced miracles that before I had only heard or learned about as a child in Sunday School. This program cleared the crap that was keeping me from knowing God in a real way.
-J.M., Elkhart, Indiana
In OA, I've learned that I don't have all the answers. I've learned that I can and am able to depend on God. I've learned that food can never and will never meet any need other than the physical maintenance of my body. I've learned to be vulnerable with others. I've learned to just "sit" with the pain and allow myself to feel it. When I allow myself to experience the pain, I have found it doesn't kill me. I find healing, relief and freedom instead of guilt and physical discomfort due to bingeing.
In OA, I've developed a vocabulary that I can use to talk about my problem with God, myself and others. This helps me to look at it more objectively. I've also developed a strategy for dealing with food situations that are troublesome. I've learned to throw food away if it's threatening my sanity and/or abstinence. I've learned that there are some foods which I cannot allow into my house. I've learned to be accountable to others and honest with myself. I've learned self-discipline through the structure of staying on a food plan. At the same time, I've learned to be flexible enough to really honestly assess my needs so that I'm able to make helpful changes to my food plan. I've enjoyed freedom from dieting and the victory of weight loss. I've learned to recognize early panic about food or food thoughts that lead to binge behavior. I've enjoyed peace, freedom and a deeper relationship with God.
-A.H., Goshen, Indiana
I've learned that this eating disorder is controlling my life. I've also learned that I treat food as my best friend, its always there for me 24/7 through the good and bad times. I use food to deal with all emotions, as my only outlet, my only friend.
Now I'm a beginner in the OA program. I'm working on step one, one day at a time. I know the program works if I work it. I'm tired of bingeing and overeating in order to hide from emotions, because that is a cop out. The emotions are still there. The food doesn't take that away.
OA meetings are a must in my life and I know with my Higher Power I will work the program one day at a time. I need to remember I'm not alone! I've also learned that the tools work when they're used. My eating disorder will never go away but I can learn from it and grow in all aspects of my life.
-K.H., Elkhart, Indiana
-D.P., Goshen, Indiana
-K.G., Goshen, Indiana