I came to OA to lose weight. I had been in recovery in a different program and released over 100 pounds, but my weight was creeping upward, and my eating was out of control. Since I had tried everything else, I decided to try OA. I was relieved to be finally free from dieting and as I worked the program, eventually (thought much longer than I wanted) I released another 80 pounds.
Years later my abstinence was good and my food plan moderate enough for me to continue losing weight. But one summer changed all that. I remember looking down at the scale in shock. How could I have gained 16 pounds in a month? I was confused and frightened. I talked with my sponsor, and she assured me that my eating plan was good and there must be something else happening in my body that was making me gain weight. Over the next few months, I went on to gain a total of 39 pounds. I had to buy larger clothes, and I struggled with feeling frumpy and ugly. I had a number of medical tests, all of which came up negative. It was finally decided that I would see an endocrinologist, but it would be another three months before I could get in for an appointment.
I was increasingly frustrated. “Why bother being abstinent when I’m getting nothing out of it?” I often thought. Over time, I began to think about the many gifts I was receiving by being abstinent that had nothing to do with losing weight. My relationship with God was better than it had ever been; I was learning to give and receive love; my shame was falling away; I was enjoying being me; my head was clear and I was making better, wiser decisions; I enjoyed eating because I wasn’t making myself sick by eating too much; my spirit felt free; and I was pursuing my dreams. There were a lot more benefits to abstinence than simply losing weight.
By practicing Step 11 on a regular basis, I was leaning on God more and myself less. I enjoy my times with God each morning and I love hearing His voice and receiving good, orderly, direction from Him. By seeking to do God’s will, I can stop relentlessly pushing myself in a misguided attempt to earn God’s favor or the approval of others. When I ask God to help me and listen for His answer, He always shows up. I do not need to figure out everything myself.
Attending meetings and being honest there has helped me to get the support I need, and also to see that other people need support that I can give. I no longer hide when I am troubled. I reach out to my fellows and find the love, acceptance, and support I need. When my love tank is full, I can reach out to others who are struggling and support them.
By accepting myself as I am instead of looking for perfection, my shame began to leave me. I grew more confident that I was a unique, beautiful woman. I see my purpose in life and have come to realize my worth. I no longer feel bad about myself when my quirky, silly side comes out. I enjoy laughing, especially when others are laughing, too.
Food fog is no more. I can think rationally and make wise decisions. I make wiser decisions in my relationships and in my finances.
Not spending all of my time, energy, and money on food freed me to pursue my dreams. I love to write and always wanted to write a book. I self-published my first book in 2023. That would not have happened if I were not abstinent.
Best of all, I am able to stand up after a meal without the guilt or shame that comes from eating too much. The feeling of going to bed after an abstinent day fills me with contentment and satisfaction.
I do not know why I gained so much weight while abstinent. I am grateful for this experience because, if for no other reason, I found joy in being abstinent, whatever happens with my weight. When I came to OA, all I cared about was losing weight. I was obsessed with the number on the scale, trying everything I could think of to break the obsession. My motivation for abstinence has changed. Do I still want to reach a healthy body weight? Of course I do. For now, all I can do now is remain abstinent each day, wait for my test results, and enjoy the emotional and spiritual benefits of abstinence. Whatever happens, I am confident (most of the time) that abstinence is worth the work whether I lose the rest of my excess weight or not.
–Cindy H.

