In the silence of a December morning, I sat with a cup of coffee reading OA literature. What I was reading did not register with me. Instead I abruptly put down the book and began crying. Where was this coming from? I focused on the feeling of sadness and decided it felt like grief.
My brother had died earlier that year. I figured that must be the issue so I tested this experience with the divining rod of my intuition. No response. Hmm. Was I grieving a deeper or newer loss? I asked my HP for an answer but what I received was a mental image of me holding God in my arms. I was comforting Him instead of the other way around. My crying was harder.
My eyes flew open. Two days before, I had given my 4th step to my sponsor and had spent a good bit of time sorting out my old beliefs and writing down my new truths. My sobbing told me this must be the problem. Could I be grieving those old beliefs? I had moved from relying on the God of my childhood to the Higher Power with whom I have an actual relationship. I smiled but continued crying until the sadness was spent. It had been an earthquake so deep I was only just now feeling the disturbance.
Then the joy came through the tears. And then the gratitude. My heart was lighter and the day brighter. My recovery was anything but stagnant. I streamed spiritual music while I wrote a Thank You note to my Higher Power.
Dear God,
Thank you for getting me safely to this crossroads in my life, and guiding me across the street. My concept of You is not what it used to be, and that is okay. As I grow in my program, You are changing too. Our relationship is growing roots nourished by spiritual principles which promise me a healthy emotional, physical, and spiritual life.
Forgive me for wanting an eternity of wisdom in one day. I know I would not be able to handle it or understand it. I would probably get into trouble. My joy is that You grant me positive changes large and small, loud and quiet, conscious and unconscious, here and there. All in Your time.
Thank You for my emotions and the ability to know them now. Before joining the OA program, I could not feel them let alone identify them because I had buried them under food and fat. Thank You for my intuition which I have learned to hear and trust. Thank you for the pauses where we meet throughout the day. Thank You for Your guidance which I usually don’t see except in my rearview mirror as a glorious sunset in the west while I am traveling east.
Your will not mine be done one day at a time.
— You Know Who