Author: Nimda

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Powerlessness and Serenity and Miracles

The topic of a meeting I attended yesterday, was the Serenity Prayer. All of us had something of deep personal meaning to share.

What proved fascinating was the differences, and the similarities, in the shares. Everyone said that reciting the prayer helped with coping better with life and COE. It helped us to remember to avoid trying to change the outside situation, over which we were powerless, but choosing to change ourselves.

A 91-year-fellow said she had no control over when she was going to die, and she had to find serenity that HP would make that life choice. Another shared how difficult it was to deal with parents who are suffering with dementia. She could not change their unreasonable thoughts and actions, but she could change her attitude about giving care to people who can no longer care for themselves. One person said she was powerless over her husband not picking up his dishes after a meal; she had to avoid trying to change her very loving husband; and she had to change her attitude about being the one to clear things away.

One COE said, when she became upset over a situation that she couldn’t change, just the four words, “Grant me the serenity”all by themselves, allowed her to calm down and handle the situation with more equanimity.

It was a great meeting. We do get better together, and prayer does work. Miracles in HP’s world.

— Annie Nimity

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Why I Sponsor

We sponsor because as it says in The Big Book, to keep our recovery, we have to give it away or pass it on. Step 12 says, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry the message to other compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” Lasting recovery happens, in my forty years of experience in OA, when I follow the suggestions outlined in the 12 Steps through action and substitute them for the irrational behaviors of compulsive overeating.

I sponsor “to give back what has so generously been given to me” from previous sponsors as loving service. I try to pour all the love, acceptance, and encouragement that every previous sponsor has freely given me: to newcomers;  to those in relapse; to those emerging from relapse; or to those who just want to try a new sponsor. I am enriched in the process, my program gets strengthened, and my recovery deepens.

I sponsor to practice listening, to my Higher Power and my own sponsor for guidance and direction, besides listening to the sponsee. Checking in with HP and my sponsor helps keep me accountable and reminds me that I am not in control or in charge of the sponsee’s recovery. All I can do is offer my “experience, strength and hope.” Inner listening is part of Step 11, practicing prayer and meditation, so sponsoring helps keep me in “fit spiritual condition.“

At its healthiest, the sponsor/sponsee relationship is a sacred partnership to me, different from other friendships outside program. Respect, confidentiality and reciprocity nourish it, keep it healthy and help it grow. The opportunity to develop connections with people who understand me on an intimate level because we share the same disease is priceless. In listening, I am heard, too, and get to celebrate the values of recovery that guide my life.

—    Kate F.

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Short Descriptions for the Twelve Principles of the OA Traditions

Tradition 1 – Unity
Unity is especially important at my job in property management work.  It is important that staff and contractors are united about what our organization goals are for each property.  When do we rehab and when do we just do maintenance?  When we let tenant’s slide on late fees (Covid) and when we don’t… It is important in my family and with my friends.  It’s ok to have different opinions, but it is important they all are unified under my love and support for them.  It is important that I show them this, that I help keep the unity.  I’m learning to do this by “identifying-in” when I can, doing my best to find what we have in common, and going from there … always showing love and support, even when I disagree.

Tradition 2 – Trust
I trusted in my sponsors and the OA program until I could solidly trust my HP.   Trust is key when I attempt something new and when I’m unsure if I can do it.   I trust HP when all else fails. I take a breath and trust HP.

Tradition 3 – Identity
If I identify as a compulsive overeater, then I can be a member of OA and that is that.  No one can kick me out.  I have come across other 12-Step programs that I am exploring as I further my quest to be as recovered and free as possible in this program and in my life.  I love that there are so many different programs based on the 12-steps, and now that I’ve worked through the steps and understand them, I feel confident to investigate other’s ideas, take what is useful to my identity, and leave the rest.  

Tradition 4 – Autonomy
Autonomy means I can work the OA program (and live my life) the way I see fit.  Even if I’m wrong … and I’ve been wrong … as long as I don’t harm anyone else in OA or out.  This is important for me because I learn so much more from my mistakes.  After I face the hard, long part of realizing I made a mistake then, I really learn my lesson, lessons I can’t learn from reading the Big Book or even working with others.  Some things I just have to learn on my own, and autonomy gives me the ability to do it that way.  

Tradition 5 – Purpose
Purpose, or lack thereof, was my most used reason for quitting or giving up on my diets. What’s the purpose?  I couldn’t see a purpose for the suffering I’d endured while dieting. The OA program helped me find purpose.  It helped me stick with my food plan and action plan when things got tough. Then it gave me purpose to continue to stick with the plan by carrying this message of purpose to others. I know what my higher purpose is on this earth. Never got that from any diet!

Tradition 6 – Solidarity
Solidarity means unity of purpose. In OA we have a mutual responsibility to work the Steps and carry the message. I try not to let other ideals or people’s personalities get involved with this.  Despite many differences, we are United in our purpose. Helping keep this United front is how I practice solidarity.

Tradition 7 – Responsibility
Responsibility is being held accountable for things that are within one’s power, control, or management.  I stop being fearful, resentful, or harmful over things I cannot control. I turn them over to HP. Meanwhile, I accept responsibility for my part; daily routines that help keep me spiritually connected via immediate 10-Steps, constant prayer and meditation and sponsoring others on the 12-Steps. 

Tradition 8 – Fellowship
Fellowship is “companionship on equal terms and within a congenial atmosphere.”  I love the fellowship I find in OA. When I first came to the program, the fellowship allowed me peace and serenity so that I could eventually open up to a spiritual awakening. It was very gradual and up and down and I probably wouldn’t have gotten there without the fellowship. Particularly important, not as important as spiritual connection itself, but still, an essential element.  I practice it by attending meetings and doing service at the Intergroup level. 

Tradition 9 – Structure
This tradition can be very ambiguous. At first, we are asked not to organize, but then we may form service committees. I believe bureaucracy has its own set of problems and that is what we are trying to avoid here. When I get caught up in the “red tape” of how things should be done or how they’ve always been done or how many want things done, I can forget the goal. The goal in OA is recovery via the twelve steps. By concentrating on the goal, I don’t get caught up on other issues. I try to apply this to all areas of my life. 

Tradition 10 – Neutrality 
Having no opinions on outside issues helps keep our “eye on the prize!” (recovery – via the 12 Steps) I’ve heard the story of a previous fellowship that was successful in keeping alcoholics sober but, when they branched out to other topics, outside of alcoholism, that eventually led to their demise. When dealing with our cunning and baffling disease, it is best to stick with the main topic!  

When I did my first 4th Step in OA, I realized that my mind often became overwhelmed with outside issues.  When I concentrated on one issue at a time, the character defect that was blocking me from my HP, I could more easily find a solution.  When I have a problem at work or at home now, I take a breath and pause.  I do my best to remain objective and try to find a common solution.  If I cannot easily, I hold off before saying or committing to something.  I say to myself, “first, cause no harm.”  If I make a mistake and say or do something, I know might harm another, I quickly apologize and take a step away so I can collect my thoughts.  This ability to get “neutral” has helped me solve so many problems that used to leave me desperate!  I’m not perfect and I don’t try to be.  But I do see progress.

Tradition 11 – Anonymity 
The reason for anonymity is simple and complicated. When I first came to OA, I did not want people to know I attended meetings.  It was good to be anonymous.  The security in the rooms allowed me to openly admit being bulimic in high school and college. I had never done that before.  As I got recovered in OA, I learned I had an issue with gossip, something I never realized before. Anonymity meant I didn’t discuss others if it could in any way cause harm. I learned to discuss issues of sponsoring without naming people if it wasn’t necessary. I apply this to other areas of my life at work and with family members. It is hard sometimes to distinguish between gossiping about and helping people. This is the complicated part, but I am progressing. 

Tradition 12 – Spirituality 
“Spirituality” is it. This is what distinguishes OA from any other diet I’ve ever been on. Before OA, and especially as I got older and less crazy with my dieting, I found that all diets work. When I ate less and exercised more, I lost weight and felt better. But when this happened, all sorts of feelings came up. Eventually, I got depressed and angry; missing the only solution to my problems, I went back to the food. But with OA, I had a new solution. A spiritual connection to my HP gave me a reason to continue to eat healthy and stay away from my trigger foods and trigger behaviors. Via the twelve steps, I have learned how to keep this spiritual connection. My spirituality is the reason for continued recovery from compulsive eating.

—  Laura W.

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The Paradoxes of Recovery

Recovery is full of paradoxes. You know what I mean, things that seem to be contradictory, but when practiced, turn out to be true. The biggest paradox in program is that we must let it go to have it. For example, in Step One I had to admit the true nature of my problem. That I have a disease that caused me, without explanation, to pursue food like a drug and that my life was unmanageable. I spent my entire life in the chase. I was chasing after happiness, love, sex, success, power, money, and my dreams. And when none of my plans and expectations came true, I was filled with disappointment and sadness. So, instead, I chased after something that I could obtain and that gave me pleasure and distracted me from all those disappointments with life. It really did not matter what I was chasing. What mattered was that I was actively pursuing my goals. The amount of money and energy that I expended on the chase was exhausting. I get tired just thinking about it. The things I was able to succeed at getting, were fleeting at best, and so, there I was in the pursuit again. It was a never-ending quest for something that never quite satisfied my desire. 

When I came into OA, I was told I was going to have to surrender. This made no sense. Surrender, how can that be? I was taught by my parents that it was up to me and only me to create my dreams. That nobody was going to help me. That I was alone in my journey. And that God only helps those that help themselves. I had to take control, have confidence in myself, and get out there and just do it. But what I discovered was that the more I tried to control things and pursue things, the more they resisted my control and ran away. Especially people. Nobody ever wanted to cooperate with my agenda. I just did not get it. After all I knew better than everybody else, about what needed to be done. Yeah, I really believed my parents, I was all alone. It is no wonder that I spent much of my life chronically depressed and suicidal.

Surrender is paradoxical. When I came into OA, I was told that I had to let it go to have it. I had to stop chasing happiness to find it. I had to surrender my will (thoughts) and life (actions) over to the care of God, to get some sort of manageability into my life. Control was an illusion, and God does control everything. If I get out the way, God can and will take care of me. If I ask for help, people will help me. By giving away myself to other people, they will give back to me more than I ever had. I had to be a friend, to have friends. One thing that I have learned in OA is that I really know nothing. Acceptance is the answer to everything. Serenity is the opposite of expectations. I am only as sick as my secrets. I need let go of my defects of character, for God to take them. Nothing lives in a vacuum. God will not take my defects of character, without action to behave differently on my part. I need to forgive others, to be forgiven. Recovery is full of paradoxes.

Being a sponsor is paradoxical. The idea of sponsoring is that since I have done it, I can guide another person to it. But If I try to teach someone, they will most likely not receive it. I cannot fix anyone, and  they must want the solution to receive the solution. People are very resistant to change. They typically do not want to be told what to do. Yet, as a sponsor, I am supposed to help someone. But how can I do that if I cannot teach them? I discovered that all I can ever really do is share myself with someone. A better term than sponsor is a sharing partner. I can share my journey and what I have done to get recovery with another person. It is up to the other person to decide what to do with that. In fact, it is none of my business if they actually do it. I am only responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and behavior. I am honored when someone does share their journey and life with me. I sponsor by being a friend. I am neither a therapist nor a teacher. It is not my place to tell someone how to lead their life. But yet, it is true when I say to someone, “If you want what I have, you need to do what I’ve done. If that does not work for you, then you are free to try something else.”  The funny thing about sponsoring is that I believe that when I do give myself self away, I get so much more back than what I give. Just another paradox, I guess.

If you think about it, recovery is really kind of selfish. Well, no, it is learning to be humble. I must take care of myself, so that I can be there for other people. I must put myself first, so that I can make other people important. If I am not working my program of recovery, then it is difficult for me to work for anything outside of myself. If I am not abstinent, then I am in bondage to the food and that creates crazy illogical thoughts. As a professional who is concerned with logic all day long, this is the kind of thing that just tickles my soul. The whole point of being in recovery is more than trying to beat an addiction. When I crossed-over the top of that hill, I discovered a whole mountain that I needed to climb. I had a taste of a good life and I wanted more. So, I started to climb that mountain of recovery, but there was no straight path to my goal. I was all over the place. I used to have a sponsor who would say to me, “the mountain of recovery is a wet mountain of glass. You are either climbing or you are sliding”. But then I learned that sometimes you must slide backwards to go forward. But isn’t it true that if you needed to slide backwards to learn your lesson, then while you are going backwards you are actually making forward progress? Ok, I will stop now, my head is hurting from all this deep thinking. 

I love being in recovery. My life is so much better than it was. We only look backwards to see how far we have come. And I can honestly say, I have come really far. But I know the journey is not done. Can I say I am finally recovered? Does that even matter? What matters is I am still breathing, and my heart is still beating. So, I keep on keeping on. I take one step and then another. I do not know how much further I have yet to walk in this adventure called life. I do not own a crystal ball. I do not need to know. I am grateful for today. And today I woke up.

—   Joel I.  

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What Does Recovered Mean to Me?

When I first heard the term recovered, I bristled, saying to myself we are never recovered, always recovering. Well, I found that the Big Book of Alcoholics says the word recovered several times, beginning with the forward to the first edition: “We of Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have RECOVERED from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics precisely how we have RECOVERED is the main purpose of this book.”

I have learned that as long as I am eating soberly and living the 12 Steps to the best of my ability, I am capable of surrendering and accessing that power greater than myself. I can be recovered which means to me being restored to sanity with the food and with my life just for one day at a time. In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says: “Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced.” I loved to escape into my own little world and found that world in food, alcohol, and other activities that helped me not to feel or deal with the world as it was. I was always thinking “into tomorrow…”; “I’m going to”; “I wish”; “If only you were different”; and/or “If I was only thinner, younger, prettier, smarter, then I wouldn’t be so unhappy.” I gave everyone else power except my Higher Power. I am recovered today. My disease is in remission, as is my diabetes, as long as I am working and living the Steps each day, because I only have one day at a time. If I’m in the future or the past, today is wasted. I have my daily rituals to keep me in one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Living soberly in mind, body, and spirit allows me to feel the love around me and appreciate what I have, not what I don’t have. 
— Deanna B.

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Finding Serenity During the Pandemic

On May 9, 2020, terrified by the pandemic and seeing the news say repeatedly that obesity was a comorbidity contributing to deaths from COVID-19, I was frightened into action. I was in the midst of a relapse when the pandemic hit, and it exacerbated my fears and disease, allowing me to gain 10 pounds in six short weeks as I ate and consoled myself with comfort foods. On the evening of May 8, I said to myself “this is my bottom”, just 14 pounds shy of my heaviest weight, and I made a promise to myself and to my Higher Power (HP) to begin my recovery from compulsive overeating.

I began attending an OA men’s meeting and my local OA meetings. I got a sponsor and worked the Twelve Steps with his loving guidance. I developed my plan of eating and stayed away from my corralled foods that I placed in the food corral. I prayed each day to my HP for the willingness. I made a second Step 4 inventory. I prayed for the willingness again and I made amends. I began a Step 10 nightly inventory that I practice almost every night. I became a sponsor and started doing service. 

What have I found in recovery? My serenity. My biggest character defects were anger and impatience. HP has replaced those with serenity. I prayed for my resentments to be lifted from me and they were. I prayed for the willingness to work the Steps and follow my plan of eating and I found and have maintained my abstinence. Through OA I have found the loving support of my local OA family and my Tuesday Men’s meeting OA family, who share my disease and understand me in a way most others never will. I have found a new home where I can be myself.

What have I lost in recovery? I have lost 64 pounds since May. I have lost the desire to even want to taste the foods that tempted me and led me to eat compulsively. I have lost the resentments that held me in the past so that I can focus on today. I have lost my fears and angst, as I now practice daily turning those over to HP. I have lost my low self-esteem, my shame and guilt, all lifted from me by HP. 

What have I found in recovery?  That the slogan we hear “Keep coming back, it works if you work it and you’re worth it, so work it!” is truth. Thanks to my HP and to the fellowship of OA.

— Peter N.

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To New Members

I was once where you are. Emotionally spent. I had been struggling alone with food and weight since puberty. Then I bumped into the Twelve Steps. It was in Overeaters Anonymous that I learned I had an incurable disease, not of my own doing, and there was a spiritual solution. 

My mind received messages about food that other people never heard. They didn’t have food battles to fight. My body responded differently to food than other people, like an allergy. Over time, because the disease is progressive, I became addicted to food as an alcoholic becomes addicted to alcohol. I didn’t understand how Let Go Let God worked, but the serenity in the meeting room and prayer to begin and end the meeting instilled hope. 

Here was an answer to prayer, and I was ready for action. Write down feelings. Stay off the scale. Quit micro-managing the food, just do moderate amounts and sit down at the table. Pick up the phone. Work the Steps. Make four columns. Make a list of harms done and ask for forgiveness. Learn to meditate. All along the way, I was helping others as I helped myself. 

Amazing God (my HP)! A “simple kit of spiritual tools” solved the problem. I was protected from myself, a position of neutrality with food. I was not cured, but in a remission of symptoms of a disease that had been eroding the fabric of my life. 

What did I learn? God (my HP) loves me and will help me with any concern if I let him, especially the small stuff I think I should be able to handle myself. I do not have to do everything for everybody (Type E woman). I added NO to my vocabulary. You gain weight the same way you lose weight: adopt a sensible plan of eating and stick with it. Self-care is not selfish. Virtue is in the middle-balance and moderation in all things. 

In summary, my relationship with God (my HP) is paramount. Steps Three and Step Eleven are the glue of Twelve Step living. Open your heart and hands; you are no longer alone.

— N.J., Illinois

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Thank You HP for Zoom/Phone Meetings

Our Intergroup had two members step-up and set-up Zoom/phone meetings at the beginning of 2020, in order to be prepared for bad roads and winter storms. We had used Facetime while we were still doing face-to-face meetings, but this was subject to daily internet connectivity. Little did we know that Zoom would be our “lifeline” during Covid.

Our first Zoom meeting was held on March 16, 2020, the first Monday after the 2020 Region 5 Spring Assembly. We’ve been using Zoom meetings ever since that date.

We are able to have our snowbirds connect with our local meetings all the way from Arizona, Florida, and Texas. We’ve made contact with some Region 4 members too (a member used to be a regular attendee at our face-to-face meetings before the family moved away). We also have a person connecting from a city that does not have OA meetings.

Thank you HP for making this possible.

— Shirley L.

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The Gift of Covid-19

Yeah, we all received that gift this year. No hugs good-bye or hello to family or friends. Instead, we Zoom and send posts in Instagram. We have memories of those gone and still hear their voices. The presence of each of us is so, so important.

To creativity: cooking a new recipe; learning to Zoom, to knit, to write, or to draw; singing songs; or sending new videos to help inspire others and to share hope.

This too will pass. We will get the vaccines distributed as quickly as possible. We will gather in groups. We will celebrate weddings and new lives. We will hug and kiss (the newborns and newlyweds will be especially sweet).

Yes, you are each missed. You are all REALLY missed! We look forward to gathering again and to giving hugs and sharing stories. The gift of Covid-19 is we realize how important each one of you are.

Amid the wish I could, let us hang on to the yes, I did.

— Lynn H.

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Being an OAer during the Holidays

The holidays are hard for all us OAers, I feel.  Our family and friends all associate this time with different foods and events held around food.  A lot of that food involves flour and sugar, substances a lot of us OAers struggle with.

New Year’s Day is something I remember well.  I don’t remember how many times my resolution had to do with my addiction, back when I didn’t even know it was an addiction.  Every year, I resolved to lose X amount of weight, run X distance, lift X weight, follow X program, do X diet, etc.  Unfortunately for me, these goals were all driven from my weight and a desire to eat a lot without gaining weight.  There’s nothing wrong with being a runner or weightlifter, but that wasn’t why I wanted to be those things.  I wanted to be able to run or lift so I could go home and gorge on what I wanted without consequence.  Why yes, I will run 5 miles a day if that means I can eat an entire X thing, thank you very much (and for me, my legs aren’t built to handle this, so running was a painful and abusive practice when I reached or surpassed 15 miles a week).

In fact, this was a dream of mine.  My favorite pre-program dreams, aside from ones where I was flying or breathing underwater, were food dreams.  I would have wild dreams about binge eating without ever gaining weight.  When I pictured heaven, it was a place with all my favorite foods and other vices, a place where I could enjoy them without dealing with the after effects and without judgement.

Nearly every year, I disappointed myself.  Some years it was that I didn’t do things consistently, so my weight simply didn’t change.  More often, I did things sporadically (or not at all) and gained weight.  I eventually stopped counting the holidays.  I started gaining weight from the holiday season, at first 10 pounds, then 20.  When it was 10, I would manage to lose the weight by the end of January with lots of exercise.  When it was 20, it bled into February.  The year I came to OA, I never lost the whole 20 I had gained.  

I remember my first New Year’s in OA.  I went to the gym because I was going 2-3 times a week to stay healthy.  It had nothing to do with obsessive exercise, and I did things my body could easily handle.  I had a hard time finding my usual machine, and the whole time I was mystified by the sheer number of people that were there.  It was usually busy when I went, but this was ridiculous.  I looked around, and it wasn’t even the one time  a month when they brought in free food.  On my way out, I pulled out my phone and saw the date, and that’s when it hit me.  These were the New Year’s Resolutioniers.  Then, I noticed that I was not there for a resolution at all.  It made me smile, and I felt grateful to be free of the obsessive nature of how exercise used to be for me.  It was also comforting to know that the numbers would dwindle each week until they returned to normal in February, at which point it would be easier to use the machines I wanted to use.

Now, I still make New Year’s Resolutions, but they are different.  My first New Year’s in OA, I decided I would write in cursive.  Now, I write beautifully, in my humble opinion.  My second New Year’s in OA, I set out to learn how to crochet.  I managed to make a hat for someone (though it was too small!), and I am nearly done with a blanket for my son, who is coming in February 2021.  I have a second blanket in the works for him, too, though it is for when he is older.  For New Year’s 2021, my resolution will be to have a manuscript of my first novel complete that I am proud of and that has a gripping plot (as it is currently 98,000 words of plotless details!).

I have taken the New Year’s Resolution game and made it not about food, exercise, or my body.  After all, that stuff is my HP’s business, not mine.  Instead, my resolutions are things that improve my life, are fun, or are fulfilling.  I was always self conscious about my handwriting, and now I don’t have to be.  I always wanted to learn to work with yarn, and now I can, at least in a limited fashion.  I have a very active imagination, and I have the first draft of a novel written, but I don’t know how to fix it and make it suck readers in.  I have started taking actions to become a better writer and learn more about the craft.

If you are one that makes New Year’s Resolutions, but you are new to program or don’t know what to do, I encourage you to try this.  Pick something fulfilling or fun, something achievable and quantifiable, and give it a go.  Resolutions are not just about weight loss, exercise, money, drinking less, etc.  Most importantly, choose something you won’t kick yourself for failing at or forgetting about.  Make it meaningful, but forgivable; important, but not essential.  Remember, failing isn’t a bad thing, but never trying for fear of failure is.

Some suggestions:

  • Learn a new art or craft
  • Photography / graphic design
  • Read more, or read a genre you usually don’t
  • Try writing a story / book / research paper / poem, etc.
  • Spend more time outside
  • Tend to a plant or garden
  • Spend more time with your pet, or go get one
  • Do some community service
  • Sign up for OA service, or start attending intergroup meetings
  • Start a ‘1 line a day’ journal or a gratitude journal
  • Learn an instrument, to sing, or to whistle
  • Listen to a music genre you usually don’t
  • Go to all the parks in your city that you’ve never been to before
  • Learn something new about technology

Happy New Year’s, my fellow OAers!  May your next year be abstinent and better than 2020 has been!

— Christina H.