The holidays are hard for all us OAers, I feel. Our family and friends all associate this time with different foods and events held around food. A lot of that food involves flour and sugar, substances a lot of us OAers struggle with.
New Year’s Day is something I remember well. I don’t remember how many times my resolution had to do with my addiction, back when I didn’t even know it was an addiction. Every year, I resolved to lose X amount of weight, run X distance, lift X weight, follow X program, do X diet, etc. Unfortunately for me, these goals were all driven from my weight and a desire to eat a lot without gaining weight. There’s nothing wrong with being a runner or weightlifter, but that wasn’t why I wanted to be those things. I wanted to be able to run or lift so I could go home and gorge on what I wanted without consequence. Why yes, I will run 5 miles a day if that means I can eat an entire X thing, thank you very much (and for me, my legs aren’t built to handle this, so running was a painful and abusive practice when I reached or surpassed 15 miles a week).
In fact, this was a dream of mine. My favorite pre-program dreams, aside from ones where I was flying or breathing underwater, were food dreams. I would have wild dreams about binge eating without ever gaining weight. When I pictured heaven, it was a place with all my favorite foods and other vices, a place where I could enjoy them without dealing with the after effects and without judgement.
Nearly every year, I disappointed myself. Some years it was that I didn’t do things consistently, so my weight simply didn’t change. More often, I did things sporadically (or not at all) and gained weight. I eventually stopped counting the holidays. I started gaining weight from the holiday season, at first 10 pounds, then 20. When it was 10, I would manage to lose the weight by the end of January with lots of exercise. When it was 20, it bled into February. The year I came to OA, I never lost the whole 20 I had gained.
I remember my first New Year’s in OA. I went to the gym because I was going 2-3 times a week to stay healthy. It had nothing to do with obsessive exercise, and I did things my body could easily handle. I had a hard time finding my usual machine, and the whole time I was mystified by the sheer number of people that were there. It was usually busy when I went, but this was ridiculous. I looked around, and it wasn’t even the one time a month when they brought in free food. On my way out, I pulled out my phone and saw the date, and that’s when it hit me. These were the New Year’s Resolutioniers. Then, I noticed that I was not there for a resolution at all. It made me smile, and I felt grateful to be free of the obsessive nature of how exercise used to be for me. It was also comforting to know that the numbers would dwindle each week until they returned to normal in February, at which point it would be easier to use the machines I wanted to use.
Now, I still make New Year’s Resolutions, but they are different. My first New Year’s in OA, I decided I would write in cursive. Now, I write beautifully, in my humble opinion. My second New Year’s in OA, I set out to learn how to crochet. I managed to make a hat for someone (though it was too small!), and I am nearly done with a blanket for my son, who is coming in February 2021. I have a second blanket in the works for him, too, though it is for when he is older. For New Year’s 2021, my resolution will be to have a manuscript of my first novel complete that I am proud of and that has a gripping plot (as it is currently 98,000 words of plotless details!).
I have taken the New Year’s Resolution game and made it not about food, exercise, or my body. After all, that stuff is my HP’s business, not mine. Instead, my resolutions are things that improve my life, are fun, or are fulfilling. I was always self conscious about my handwriting, and now I don’t have to be. I always wanted to learn to work with yarn, and now I can, at least in a limited fashion. I have a very active imagination, and I have the first draft of a novel written, but I don’t know how to fix it and make it suck readers in. I have started taking actions to become a better writer and learn more about the craft.
If you are one that makes New Year’s Resolutions, but you are new to program or don’t know what to do, I encourage you to try this. Pick something fulfilling or fun, something achievable and quantifiable, and give it a go. Resolutions are not just about weight loss, exercise, money, drinking less, etc. Most importantly, choose something you won’t kick yourself for failing at or forgetting about. Make it meaningful, but forgivable; important, but not essential. Remember, failing isn’t a bad thing, but never trying for fear of failure is.
Some suggestions:
- Learn a new art or craft
- Photography / graphic design
- Read more, or read a genre you usually don’t
- Try writing a story / book / research paper / poem, etc.
- Spend more time outside
- Tend to a plant or garden
- Spend more time with your pet, or go get one
- Do some community service
- Sign up for OA service, or start attending intergroup meetings
- Start a ‘1 line a day’ journal or a gratitude journal
- Learn an instrument, to sing, or to whistle
- Listen to a music genre you usually don’t
- Go to all the parks in your city that you’ve never been to before
- Learn something new about technology
Happy New Year’s, my fellow OAers! May your next year be abstinent and better than 2020 has been!
— Christina H.